A memory sticks out to me from a time at work when a woman on my team was talking about her friend being distraught after finding out her husband was watching porn. My coworker’s response: “Girl, if that’s the worst thing he’s doing, you’re fine, at least he’s not cheating on you.” She went on to tell her friend to just brush it off because it was just a man thing and if anything, she should watch it with him to spice things up. 

Sadly, this is a common response that most women in the same situation hear from pastors, mentors, counselors, and friends. I venture to say that if they knew what effect pornography really has on relationships, they would change up their advice… at least I would hope. 

The lack of education around porn and the effects it has on the brain desperately needs to change. Don’t worry if you are unaware, it’s not something people are typically eager to talk about. It’s something that most do but are just ashamed to admit. 

Pornography Stats, Facts & Relationship Truths

So, let’s talk about it. Around 40 million Americans watch it regularly and every day there are 65 million searches related to pornography, that’s 25% of all search queries per day (Source: The Recovery Village). Studies have shown that it has the same effect on a brain just like cocaine and other drugs that produce huge hits of dopamine.(Source: “The New Narcotic”). This makes it super addictive, giving a false sense of intimacy each time that dopamine hits. It destroys a man’s masculinity, severely taints a woman’s view of her sexuality, destroys one’s ability to understand and see truth, makes sex with your spouse less exciting, and prevents one from truly connecting with their kids and spouse. 

Pornography use/addiction, whether intense or mild, can be best understood as an intimacy disorder. Having an intimacy disorder means that you struggle getting close to others and have a hard time building deep relationships because you don’t know how to develop, maintain, or express intimacy (Source: integrativelifecenter.com). Because pornography is an intimacy disorder that means watching porn severely impacts the ability to form a real connection with others because it numbs your emotions, dissociating one with their true longings. In simpler terms: you feel emotions or have a response to something and then go to porn to make yourself feel better. Porn becomes a substitute for dealing with emotions. If someone is watching porn, they are trying to escape some kind of emotion. 

When true feelings are pushed down, other behaviors begin to manifest and show themselves.  Common behaviors are blaming, withdrawing, and acting out because of resentfulness. These are often directed at the user’s partner because if the user isn’t to blame, then it must be the next person closest to them, right? That’s the logic of a porn addict’s brain, “It’s not me, it’s you.” This shifts the dynamic to make it seem like one person is better than the other, when in reality we’re all broken. This is also commonly known as gaslighting, a term that is sadly becoming more common nowadays.

The partner being blamed begins to feel like everything is their fault because gaslighting is so confusing and so sneaky. It’s common for the partner to eventually take the blame for the porn usage out of desperation to save the relationship or ease the fighting in the relationship. On the other hand, the porn user often thinks they are justified in their anger and that they are the innocent ones. They’re not seeing clearly because pornography does such a great job of masking one’s true longings and emotions.  

What lasting effects can this have on the partner? Like I mentioned in the beginning of the article, it can impact a male’s masculinity and a woman’s sexuality. It is more common for women to be the victims of porn usage, so their view of their sexuality and worth are severely tarnished. Most women begin to look at themselves and believe they are not enough, because if my own husband isn’t attracted to me, who could be? 

Betrayal trauma is what most partners of porn addicts experience at some point after they found their other half has been watching pornography. Feelings of, you guessed it, betrayal begin to sink in as the partner realizes they’ve been lied to, cheated on, you name it. There is a lack of trust, loss of safety, and anger that can form because one of the people you love the most is not who you think they are. 

What does the Bible say?

Now obviously, a porn-filled relationship isn’t how a healthy, loving, uplifting, oneness relationship is supposed to look like. To figure out what it does look like, we should look nowhere other than the Bible. The Bible is essentially God’s love story to us. He shows his love throughout the Bible and we are all called his bride. His love is patient (1 Cor 13:4), committed (Rom 8:32), selfless (Mark 10:45), blameless (Matt 7:3-5), grace-filled (2 Tim 1:9), giving (James 1:5), gentle (Gal 6:1) and so much more. How He loves us is how we should strive to love one another.

I am not going to sit here and give you a ton of verses about sexual immorality and how porn fits the bill for that because any Christian who has watched or is addicted to pornography knows it is sexually immoral and is a sin against God, yourself, and your spouse/partner. The truth is that God still loves you, no matter your junk. He calls you son and daughter and longs for His children to be free and live upright and holy lives. God can use your story for His glory, you just have to be willing. 

Journey to Recovery

Now why can’t the addict just stop when they know what God says about it and they see what damage it’s causing them and their relationship? They are stuck in a shame cycle. An emotion or a trigger to watch comes up, so they use pornography, they feel shame after for doing so, and then that shame tells them a lie that they can never get better, which causes them to do it again and again. 

Let’s pause here for second and bring it back all the way to the beginning. Adam and Eve were tempted in the Garden, gave into that temptation, and then were immediately overcome by shame and hid. Their shame was so powerful they hid from God himself. Shame is not new, shame does not discriminate. It is not easy to step out of shame and into God’s grace and mercy, but it is possible.

So how do you get out of that shame cycle? 

First, pause and evaluate your thoughts and actions. Do you focus on all of the things that are wrong with your spouse? When are you turning to porn? Why are you turning to porn? What do you feel like before and after you watch? Why did you start watching pornography? When did you start watching? Question everything. Don’t be afraid of it, be curious about it, about yourself. 

Second, have grace on yourself, step out of shame, and press into those questions you asked yourself in step 1. Choosing grace every day will help you walk in freedom. Diving into your story and your own “why” will help bring so much clarity and will probably help explain a lot of other things in your life too. 

Lastly, get help. Help makes stepping out of shame so much easier and possible. You’ve been doing this alone for too long and need someone to walk with you. There are so many resources to look up, groups to join, and people to talk to. You are not alone and shouldn’t suffer alone. Allow your spouse to come up beside you and support you on your recovery journey. 

For the spouses, get help too. You need support in this journey as well, to be led by people who have been where you are and to help you recover from any betrayal trauma you may have. Learn about boundaries. Your mental health is important too and you should take a pulse on your heart and needs as well. You are not alone in this either.

If you are dating and you know that your partner actively struggles with porn, I would strongly urge you to ask yourself some hard questions before moving into a deeper relationship. Is that addiction something that your partner is actively seeking help for? Are you two seeing a counselor together to talk about the effects it has on your relationship and your possible future marriage? 

All of this to say, pornography has a much bigger impact on your relationship than you think it does. The way you see your partner, the way you interact, how you treat them, how fulfilling your sex is, and your overall happiness is affected by pornography. If you don’t see it or can’t see it, I urge you to take a big step back and evaluate your heart. We are all human beings who long for intimacy and love, but that can’t fully happen if pornography is involved. You are capable of overcoming and breaking free of the hold that porn may have on you and your relationship. You’re not in this alone. 

Resources: 

• Covenant Eyes: Protection that you install on your computer, phone, or any piece of technology where you can watch porn that protects you from visiting questionable sites and blocks explicit content. You can put an accountability partner’s email information on file so they can walk with you in your journey to freedom. This is more of “sin management” but is still a great tool to help protect your devices. [www.covenanteyes.com]
• Jay Stringer: Just look him up. This guy is awesome. He has some great videos on YouTube, he has a book titled “Unwanted”, offers intensive counseling, and just has amazing information that is real and helpful. [www.jay-stringer.com]
• Samson Society: This group is solely for men who struggle with a porn or sex addiction. It is a Christian group that is a safe place for men to share how they feel ad get support from someone who is recovered and is willing to be a mentor. It’s mostly online with some in-person meetings, so really anyone around the country can join. You can find Samson Society at samsonsociety.com and also, one of the creators of the group is Nate Larkin and you can find him at www.natelarkin.net.  
• Sarah Society: Sarah Society was a branch from Samson Society and is designed to support the wives/partners of the men who are in Samson. This one you have to be invited to, so there is no public link for this group. If you want more details, I can connect you with a group I know. 
• Restored2More Podcast: Charity and Clinton Munoz talk about their struggle battling through Clinton’s porn and overall sex addition through dating and their marriage. They do a great job of giving both the male and female perspective. [www.restored2more.com]
• Restoring the Soul: Founders Michael and Julianne Cusick talk about both sides of a broken relationship from porn usage. [restoringthesoul.com]
• Living Truth: This site has resources for both men and women who need help walking through a porn addiction. [living-truth.org]
• Cat Etherington: She created The Naked Truth Project, the Whole Hearted Partner Program and the Whole Life Recovery Program. She speaks from her own experience and helps others overcome betrayal and their porn addiction. [nakedtruthrecovery.com]
• Pure Desire Ministries: This is a great ministry that helps men and women work through their sexual brokenness. [www.puredesire.org]

Sources: 

1: Pornography Statistics: Pornography Facts and Statistics | The Recovery Village

2: “The New Narcotic”: The New Narcotic – Public Discourse (thepublicdiscourse.com)

3: Intimacy order definition: Intimacy Disorder Treatment Program | Mental Health Treatment | Nashville (integrativelifecenter.com)