A husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise a wife to her husband. A wife does not have the right over her own body, but her husband does. In the same way, a husband does not have the right over his own body, but his wife does. Do not deprive one another—except when you agree for a time, to devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again; otherwise, Satan may tempt you because of your lack of self-control.1st Corinthians 7:3-5 (CSB)
As Christians, we tend to not talk about sex in the first place. But even more so, as married Christians, we don’t like to talk about when our sex life gets boring.
If you aren’t married and reading this, yes, even sex can get boring. Eat the same chocolate cake every night for a year and you might get a bit tired of it.
So I wanted to talk through a few pieces of advice for married couples who have gotten a bit bored with their sex life.
This may seem obvious, but you need to share this with your spouse. It can be a tough thing to say. You don’t want to come across as not being attracted to your spouse, or unhappy with their body (those are separate issues that we won’t go into here), but you can communicate you aren’t satisfied in a gentle and loving way. A big part of marriage is communication. You need to communicate to your partner if your needs and wants aren’t being met. And if there are specific things that you find boring, tell them. Maybe they should do something different during foreplay. Maybe there are certain positions you just don’t like. Maybe you want more spontaneity. Nothing is going to change if you don’t express it.
In marriage, after many years, it can be easy to get into a rhythm. Sex happens on Friday nights. The husband goes does his thing, the wife does her thing, maybe do something new if you’ve got some energy, and then once you’re done you roll over and go to sleep. Anyone could get bored with that routine
(I do want to clarify that if you enjoy a sex life that looks like that that is totally okay too. It’s about what is satisfying to you.)
So ask yourself, what did sex look like at the beginning? What made sex fun? Maybe you’re missing some of the romance that goes along with it. Go out for a date first, if you can.
Wait until the kids go to sleep and really seduce one another. Turn down the lights, light candles, pull out that sexy ensemble, give your spouse a massage, whatever works for you to get going. Maybe you just need some quality cuddling before or after the act, nothing is more vulnerable than snuggling naked. Maybe you just need to put more effort in yourself.
When you’re young it’s easier to exert all your energy and focus on just pleasuring your spouse. Maybe you’re just tired now. You have a tough job. You have kids. You have responsibilities. But that doesn’t mean you can’t take 30 minutes, an hour, two hours to just focus on your spouse.
There are so many simple ways to spice up your sex life. It could be as simple as just trying some new positions (or positions you had long forgotten about). It could be the wife, or husband, finding some sexy clothes to wear. It could be that you’ve never tried toys before. There are so many simple things to add that don’t need to be scary. Ask your friends for advice on things they like, look for safe resources on Instagram or read books on sex.
And more than anything, just try to have fun with it. Not everything new you try will be enjoyable. Maybe adding some chocolate sauce was not as sexy as expected and now your bed is just sticky. But that’s okay. That’s part of the fun. You can laugh at the silly things we all try doing to be sexy.
We all have our list of boundaries in the bedroom. But most often those lists are created in our minds before we have actually had sex. Sure, there will always be things that you’re too uncomfortable to try. That is totally okay! But maybe think through all those things you said you would never do. Have you never tried using toys? Has sex only ever happened in your bedroom? Is there something you feel willing to try that you’ve never done before?
The marriage bed is sacred. As long as it’s between you and your spouse, you can try most anything. There’s no reason to be embarrassed by it. Our bodies naturally enjoy certain stimulations, there’s nothing inherently wrong with that. And at the end of the day, it can be just a secret for you and your spouse.
As you get older, get tired, get busy sex can often become a low priority. When you have to always cram it into 10 minutes or less it’s never going to be completely satisfying. So if you’re able, set aside some real time to focus on it. Maybe the grandparents can come watch the kids and you can stay at a hotel for a night. (Or maybe you don’t have kids and you can leave anytime you want.) Maybe you plan out a day where you and your spouse both take time off during the week when your kids will be at daycare or school.
Then, just go for it.
It doesn’t have to be all sex though. Don’t you remember early on when just making out was exciting? Or getting to cuddle naked? Spend time doing those things that used to feel so sexy that you just don’t have time for anymore. Think about all the things that made sex new and exciting.
Anyone who knows me and my wife knows that we recommend counseling to everyone. Sex is a big part of marriage. It’s one of the things that, as Christians, separates the married from the unmarried. I always say that all married couples should go to counseling regularly regardless of if there are any major issues. But if you’re struggling to communicate around sex, talk to a counselor. That’s what they’re there for!
I often say that sex isn’t a foundation for marriage, it’s the culmination of marriage. If you want a good sex life, you have to have a health marriage relationship. Are you serving your spouse well? Loving your spouse well? Maybe the best thing you can do to improve your sex life is be a better spouse. We all get complacent at times. It’s human. But make sure that your spouse knows without a doubt that you love them. Show them that you love them however they enjoy it the most. And if you don’t know whether you are being a good spouse, just ask.
We often put so many boundaries on our own marriage that we forget to just enjoy it. Sex is a beautiful gift from God to married couples. Like anything, we, as humans, can corrupt that, but remember the purpose of sex in marriage.
Sex creates intimacy through vulnerability. Sex shows love through pleasuring your spouse. Sex points to the perfect relationship we will have one day with God.
Christian Sex Talk (@christians3xtalk) is run by a married couple that wants to open up the conversation around sex as Christians, asking any and all questions but always coming back to the Bible.