Dr. Corey Allan is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist with a specialty in dealing with sex-related issues in marriage.
He has agreed to answer your questions about sex.
Our sex life has been extra vanilla boring for the past few years I’m scared asking this but are there any toys or things that are like an “intro” to toys and fun? Maybe something for me and something for him? Nothing too crazy please
While there are lots of toys and products across the whole range – usually the entry level ones are vibrators. While most of aimed for women’s pleasure, after all a clitoris and vibrations go well together for many women – for couples there is a U shaped vibrator that allows for internal and external stimulation for her, plus it also can be used during PIV intercourse, so he can get some stimulation as well.
For men, the most common toy I hear about is a penis ring (not commonly called this but avoiding using the slang term here). This ring can enhance the sensations for men and even possibly prolong the experience. The most common marital aid used for the man I also hear about is flavor tarts (or anything you enjoy the taste of in the fridge or pantry) to spice up oral sex.
If you want to explore things other than toys, there are also a wealth of other apparatuses available such as pillows, supports, handcuffs, feathers and the like that can create an atmosphere you both may really enjoy.
Please please ask this because I’m really feeling desperate. I know that when you ask how much sex is normal in a marriage that the answer is like a generic “well every couple is different” but when should you be concerned it’s too little? My husband and I have far too little sex and I am constantly feeling rejected and unwanted. What do we do to get help?
First — are you really rejected and unwanted? Frustrated, yes, I can hear in your question, but the others are actually what comes along with married life. My guess is you feel rejected and unwanted in the sexual aspect of your relationship, but perhaps not the other areas of the marriage. This happens to varying degrees after the chemically induced high of a new relationship wears off. Romance and sexual encounters are easier in the beginning but they inevitably wane over time and are replaced with the struggles you are experiencing.
To address the differences in desires between you first it helps to recognize that there is a higher desire and a lower desire on everything in marriage. One of you will want something more than the other. Each of these points on the continuum are simply different. Neither one is right or wrong – only different.
Second, ask yourself if the sex you’re having (or wanting) is really worth wanting. Or even more pointedly, are you worth having sex with? Being honest about these questions may give you insight into how this dynamic shifted so drastically between you both.
And third, finding a way to seek help with a professional when you face these types of gridlock issues in marriage is absolutely money well spent. Be an advocate for yourself and each other – and if he’s not interested in joining you, go by yourself. Shameless plug – I work with couples in this situation regularly, and you can also listen to Sexy Marriage Radio for free as we’ve addressed this many times in the past.
If you have a question for Dr. Corey, you can submit it anonymously to firstname.lastname@example.org
Christians Who Curse Sometimes is a brand looking to deepen your faith in real practical ways. Personally, I am a husband, father, and meme creator. I love connecting with real people, and showing that no matter what your story is, you can have an impact and change lives.