About Us   |   Contact   |   Advertise With Us   |   Support CWCS

Unlearning Self-Harm: How Getting Caught Changed My Life

July 2, 2021

*Trigger Warning: This article includes descriptions of self-harm that may be difficult to read for those struggling*

Opening my Styrofoam to-go tray like a treasure chest, I basked at the glory of the culinary masterpiece I had picked out from a buffet for dinner. We were minutes from beginning yet another long shift so I was going to need the energy from the chicken parmesan, mashed potatoes, bread rolls, and broccoli and cheddar soup if I was going to last the long night. But as I lifted my loaded fork up to my mouth, I discovered that I could not open my mouth any larger than a lowercase o-shape. My jaw was seemingly locked from the right side. Slowly I massaged my jawline to relax it before finally pushing through the pain to open my mouth enough to get nourishment in. A slight set-back on my dinner experience, but a physical reminder of years of self-abuse. 

I don’t know when it started but for the longest time my response to any mistake I made, deliberate disobedience, or just plain frustration with myself was to punch myself – typically in the face but occasionally across the chest or in the ribs. In the very strangest of ways that I am not fully sure I can articulate properly, it felt like it was the appropriate response for my actions. As if the shame I was feeling on the inside due to my imperfections and failings needed to manifest into actual, physical pain because shame somehow was not enough. 

The Crisis Text Line defines that action, along with many other actions, as self-harm. Television had trained me to only think of self-harm as being cutting with a blade, but in reality the examples expand much farther than that. Stigmas surround those who actively or have self-harmed at one point or another, with titles like “psycho” and “crazy” being tossed liberally. But the National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI) would say “Self-harm is not a mental illness, but a behavior that indicates a need for better coping skills. Several illnesses are associated with it, including borderline personality disorder, depression, eating disorders, anxiety or posttraumatic stress disorder.”

Depression was the category I fit into. Bred from years of self-esteem issues at the hands of adolescent bullying and anxiety, I was cheerful as could be at most times and around most people but would find myself wanting to cry when alone but never able to form up the tears which just made me want to cry even more because I felt like I could not properly emotionally articulate how I felt. 

The only recollection I have of someone finding out about my self-harm was when three of my friends saw me strike myself after I discovered that I had gone hours talking to people with something embarrassing but preventable on my face. I had told people throughout my life that I wrestled with depression frequently but I had never confessed my hitting habit to anyone in fear of being called psycho, emotionally immature, or even a danger to those around me and my future children, as if my lapse in coping skills instantly translates into abusing others. Surely there are correlations between the two in some cases, but making the blanket statement that all persons who have self-harmed are liable to harm others is a lofty generalization that demonizes those with coping difficulties and contributes to the stigma surrounding mental health. 

As time went on and I began to have jaw issues, I began to further realize the need to stop these outbursts. Although therapy likely would have been very helpful in the process and I adamantly encourage others to seek out professional help if they are harming themselves, what turned within me to help me unlearn my negative coping habit was an increased view of my own value and an alteration in my mindset to just how much grace and forgiveness was readily available to me. 

The reality was that I was still going to be embarrassed at times. I was going to fail. I was going to be imperfect. But while God will carry out His righteous wrath ultimately against my sins and justice is very much a real thing in this human life, I came to realize that I was forgiven because Christ paid my debt and therefore there was no more condemnation for me (Romans 8:1). Why was I condemning and harming myself when Christ was unjustly condemned in a court of law, harmed, and crucified for me? For His glory and to fulfill the law, Christ paid my debt. Christ died for me knowing all of my failures, imperfections, and embarrassments but yet He bore the punishment I actually did deserve that I might not be punished for them. I was shown grace. I was forgiven. No longer condemned. I had known these truths for a long time but sometimes the truth takes a while to sink in and permeate different areas of your story. 

The grace and forgiveness I was shown by Jesus in His life as well as His death beckons me to show grace and forgiveness to others. Christ’s command in Mark 12:31 calls us to love our neighbors as ourselves, and while loving our neighbors is hard enough on its own, loving our own selves can be a complex labyrinth as well. For some it can be easy to see the fearfully and wonderfully made (Psalm 139:14) value of others and yet not see our own knitted-together by God status. There are those who are prone to show all of the grace and forgiveness in the world to the person across the street but never to the person starring them back in the mirror. It is an ongoing battle to continuously remind myself that I am fully known and fully loved, I am valued, I am forgiven and that even my future mistakes are covered. 

Lies in my head beckon me to believe that somehow the punishment Christ endured for me somehow was not enough punishment and therefore I must maim myself to finish up what Jesus only partially covered. He covered it all. While I truly may have sinned and failed, there never was a reason to carry out judgement and punishment upon myself. Oddly enough, by His wounds I am healed from all that I believed I needed to wound myself for. 

Unlearning self-harm was not a “scrawny Peter Parker wakes up the day after getting bit by a spider only to find himself muscular beyond belief” transformation. It’s been a long and winding road with a few flat tire changes along the way. My jaw still aches every so often and the possible Ultimate Fighting Championship career I had as backup life plan H is probably not going to happen due to the risk of further permanent damage, but my jaw’s almost scarred and toughened status now reminds me of where I have been but encourages me in how far God has brought me. 

 Change is rarely instant. Change usually takes a crockpot approach rather than a microwave one. It may take years of therapy (which I highly suggest you try if you are experiencing emotional and psychological distress), but I do believe that healing, whether gradual or instant, is very much possible for any person no matter the unique situation they find themselves in. I’m not even close to the light at the end of the tunnel, but I can say from one person in the tunnel to another person in the tunnel that we can get through this, we can unlearn the harmful habits we have clung to, we can reconfigure as need be, and change can come. 

  1. Omhvha

    August 2nd, 2021 at 8:43 PM

    australia cialis – generic cialis in usa cialis 20 mg tablet price

  2. Vynzva

    August 3rd, 2021 at 8:35 PM

    buy viagra usa – get a viagra prescription online viagra canadian pharmacy no prescription

  3. Pumapp

    August 6th, 2021 at 9:06 PM

    tadalafil order online no prescription – cross border pharmacy canada cheap cialis pills

  4. Jxtbks

    August 8th, 2021 at 11:02 AM

    ivermectin 8000 mcg – ivermectin tablets for sale walmart buy liquid ivermectin

  5. Okgwem

    August 10th, 2021 at 12:08 AM

    casino games – gambling casino online casinos

  6. Moleqj

    August 11th, 2021 at 1:06 PM

    erection problems – tom selleck and dr phil ed pill natural pills for erectile dysfunction

  7. Fgcejh

    August 12th, 2021 at 11:05 PM

    medication prednisone – deltasone with no script online prednisone over the counter australia

  8. Nltnjq

    August 14th, 2021 at 9:19 AM

    viagra uk – viagra mastercard generic viagra 30

  9. Fqmjnn

    August 16th, 2021 at 2:45 AM

    reliable online pharmacy – Cialis generic tadalafil tablets 10 mg price in india

  10. Wpdrfs

    August 17th, 2021 at 7:04 PM

    ivermectin 2mg – ivermectin uk coronavirus stromectol online pharmacy

  11. Decwyf

    August 19th, 2021 at 1:47 PM

    roman ed pills – pills for ed ed pills that work

  12. Qcnfsj

    August 21st, 2021 at 2:39 PM

    ventolin price canada – ventolin cost canada ventolin australia price

  13. Qwevgi

    August 23rd, 2021 at 12:24 AM

    cytotec 200 – order cytotec online cytotec over the counter uk

  14. Penny

    August 24th, 2021 at 11:26 AM

    What’s Going down i’m new to this, I stumbled upon this I have found
    It positively helpful and it has helped me out loads.
    I hope to contribute & aid different users like its helped me.

    Great job.

  15. Ueufte

    August 24th, 2021 at 12:16 PM

    doxycycline cost australia – doxycycline 40 mg generic coupon buy online doxycycline without prescription

  16. Yihpsy

    August 25th, 2021 at 5:23 PM

    neurontin generic cost – brand name neurontin synthroid 75

  17. Smobale

    August 27th, 2021 at 10:21 AM

    cialis without prescription

  18. Wnjxzo

    August 27th, 2021 at 10:28 AM

    sildenafil 50mg canada – sildenafil 50 mg online uk

  19. Audimer

    August 27th, 2021 at 12:56 PM

    https://buytadalafshop.com/ – cheapest cialis online

  20. Mhayzj

    August 28th, 2021 at 8:38 PM

    cialis generics – viagra cialis levitra online generic tadalafil from canada

  21. Viagra

    August 28th, 2021 at 9:42 PM

    25 Mg Cialis

  22. Stromectol

    August 29th, 2021 at 4:41 AM

    Propecia Minox Rogaine

  23. Cialis

    August 29th, 2021 at 11:36 AM

    Prix Viagra 50 100 Mg

  24. Cobvkv

    August 29th, 2021 at 11:44 PM

    cialis vardenafil online – order vardenafil generic vardenafil 40 mg

  25. Zmmjha

    August 31st, 2021 at 1:48 PM

    stromectol coronavirus – ivermectin 15 mg stromectol pills canada

  26. Fiofws

    September 1st, 2021 at 4:07 PM

    buy prednisone no prescription – over the counter prednisone cheap prednisone 10 mg brand name

  27. Vpfhuc

    September 2nd, 2021 at 7:32 PM

    buy accutane with paypal – where can you buy accutane online accutane

  28. Ngqfbz

    September 4th, 2021 at 1:32 AM

    amoxicillin for sale – buy amoxicilina 500 mg buy amoxicillin 500 mg mexico

  29. Occubcory

    September 5th, 2021 at 8:15 AM

    http://buypropeciaon.com/ – Propecia

  30. Fiqzsc

    September 5th, 2021 at 1:17 PM

    generic methylprednisolone online no prescription – lyrica 325 mg lyrica 300 mg capsule

  31. affefly

    September 5th, 2021 at 8:57 PM

    https://buysildenshop.com/ – Viagra

  32. Enesque

    September 6th, 2021 at 11:52 AM

    Viagra

  33. Rnefgm

    September 6th, 2021 at 6:38 PM

    order research paper online – essay help pros pay for a research paper

  34. incalcult

    September 7th, 2021 at 11:08 AM

    buy stromectol for humans

  35. Oaeoob

    September 7th, 2021 at 11:40 PM

    sildenafil sale uk – Generic viagra usa sildenafil 25mg

  36. Kzgsal

    September 9th, 2021 at 7:59 AM

    where can i buy over the counter cialis – Mail order cialis cialis buy online

  37. suilegree

    September 9th, 2021 at 11:22 AM

    http://buystromectolon.com/ – ivermectin tablet online purchase

  38. актеры фильма петровы в гриппе

    September 10th, 2021 at 7:41 AM

    актеры фильма петровы в гриппе

  39. propecia side effects 2016

    September 10th, 2021 at 6:00 PM

    Levitra Action

  40. moiscuB

    September 11th, 2021 at 1:24 AM

    Propecia

  41. Xoxlpw

    September 11th, 2021 at 8:38 PM

    order stromectol – stromectol lotion order stromectol

  42. смотреть фильм

    September 12th, 2021 at 9:41 AM

    смотреть фильм

  43. Idltxm

    September 12th, 2021 at 10:49 PM

    prednisone 14 mg – prednisone 100 mg prednisone 20mg cheap

  44. Trglmy

    September 14th, 2021 at 2:13 AM

    furosemide tablets buy uk – purchase clomid furosemide online uk

  45. teadown

    September 14th, 2021 at 1:52 PM

    Plaquenil

  46. excelia

    September 14th, 2021 at 4:58 PM

    http://buyplaquenilcv.com/ – Plaquenil

  47. Egektl

    September 15th, 2021 at 7:23 AM

    ventolin cost usa – albuterol sulfate inhaler ventolin purchase

  48. Plaquenil

    September 16th, 2021 at 12:07 PM

    Finasterida Generico Resultados Propecia

  49. Rmxnec

    September 16th, 2021 at 12:29 PM

    buy cytotec usa – cheap cytotec cytotec buy online india

  50. Priligy

    September 16th, 2021 at 12:48 PM

    Amoxicilline Est

  51. Lasix

    September 17th, 2021 at 3:43 PM

    Ebay Cialis Generico

  52. Fzdhzn

    September 17th, 2021 at 9:49 PM

    can you buy doxycycline over the counter nz – generic prednisolone otc prednisolone 20 mg brand name

  53. Психолог Бонина

    September 18th, 2021 at 7:19 PM

    Психолог Бонина

  54. hastemo

    September 19th, 2021 at 4:25 AM

    http://buyzithromaxinf.com/ – Zithromax

  55. Dmoita

    September 19th, 2021 at 5:32 AM

    ivermectin for sale – ivermectin uk cost of ivermectin 1% cream

  56. zovre lioptor

    September 19th, 2021 at 11:42 PM

    I genuinely appreciate your work, Great post.

  57. Fijkgu

    September 20th, 2021 at 9:37 AM

    buy ivermectin 12mg – price of ivermectin ivermectine

  58. Nfgdfz

    September 21st, 2021 at 1:55 PM

    buying sildenafil online – purchase sildenafil sildenafil without a doctor prescription

  59. чернобыль сериал хорошего качества онлайн

    September 21st, 2021 at 7:43 PM

    чернобыль сериал хорошего качества онлайн

  60. Rhicaxmix

    September 21st, 2021 at 8:47 PM

    priligy cost

  61. Jgburu

    September 22nd, 2021 at 9:05 PM

    tadalafil generic date – tadalafills.com buy tadalafil online

  62. BlealWola

    September 22nd, 2021 at 10:36 PM

    https://buypriligyhop.com/ – buy generic priligy

  63. Jernize

    September 23rd, 2021 at 3:41 AM

    https://buylasixshop.com/ – Lasix

  64. Flexeby

    September 23rd, 2021 at 9:17 PM

    furosemide 20mg tablets

  65. Yzkusv

    September 24th, 2021 at 2:10 AM

    isotretinoin online – accutane medicine accutane 40 mg cost

  66. Fyvzkn

    September 25th, 2021 at 5:22 AM

    cheap paper writing services – how to write an essay about my family essays writing

  67. Консультация психолога

    September 25th, 2021 at 9:10 AM

    Психолог в Харькове, консультация.
    Консультация психолога Профессиональные психологи.
    Онлайн консультация. Консультация психолога онлайн.
    Профессиональные психологи. Рейтинг психологов.
    Рейтинг психологов.

  68. buy methotrexate 2 5 mg no rx overnight

    September 25th, 2021 at 1:50 PM

    levitra es malo

  69. Wignete

    September 25th, 2021 at 4:20 PM

    Zithromax

  70. битва экстрасенсов все серии

    September 25th, 2021 at 6:02 PM

    Битва экстрасенсов 22 сезон (2021) битва экстрасенсов все серии
    смотреть битва экстрасенсов

  71. новые танцы на тнт 2

    September 25th, 2021 at 11:13 PM

    новые танцы 8 выпуск новые танцы в хорошем качестве новые
    танцы на тнт 2021 онлайн новые танцы лучшее новые
    танцы на тнт смотреть бесплатно

  72. Jiinig

    September 26th, 2021 at 8:45 AM

    stromectol nz – stromectol purchase ivermectin drug

  73. серии битва экстрасенсов смотреть онлайн бесплатно

    September 26th, 2021 at 9:00 AM

    Битва экстрасенсов 22 Сезон (2021) смотреть онлайн серии битва экстрасенсов смотреть онлайн бесплатно битва экстрасенсов серия смотреть онлайн

  74. Uxcggd

    September 27th, 2021 at 4:47 PM

    sildenafil tablets 100mg cost – Discount cialis online tadalafil price in canada

  75. Nztsih

    September 29th, 2021 at 8:48 PM

    vardenafil for sale – vardenafil 20 mg non prescription ed pills

  76. Xtqkac

    October 1st, 2021 at 4:16 PM

    hydroxychloroquine coupons – hydroxychloroquine sulfate over the counter how much is prednisone cost

  77. Vlpiik

    October 2nd, 2021 at 8:53 PM

    cenforce 120 mg – buy cenforce 200 mg online with credit card cenforce 120 paypal

  78. gabapentin for dogs for sale

    October 3rd, 2021 at 9:15 AM

    Vente Kamagra Pharmacie

  79. Zdzabh

    October 4th, 2021 at 12:25 AM

    orlistat diet pill – orlistat medication class orlistat mechanism of action

  80. Gyjxsa

    October 5th, 2021 at 2:54 AM

    ivermectin buy canada – ivermectin buy nz generic ivermectin online

  81. StaimaSup

    October 5th, 2021 at 7:13 PM

    http://prednisonebuyon.com/ – generic prednisone

  82. Zpxmrn

    October 6th, 2021 at 12:19 PM

    sildenafil citrate online pharmacy – female viagra viagra pills no prescription

  83. Iodqsy

    October 7th, 2021 at 1:37 PM

    cialis 5 mg discount coupon – buy cialis pills cheapest pharmacy for preion drugs

  84. Eabjje

    October 8th, 2021 at 6:59 PM

    5mg cialis daily use – cialis on line soft cialis online

  85. avamsarem

    October 8th, 2021 at 10:35 PM

    https://buyneurontine.com/ – Neurontine

  86. Spycnm

    October 8th, 2021 at 10:55 PM

    prednisone 7.5 mg – prednisone 5 mg tablet daily prednisone

  87. Thoumma

    October 9th, 2021 at 2:52 PM

    Neurontine

  88. Prednisone

    October 10th, 2021 at 6:59 PM

    generic cialis india

  89. antiftTab

    October 11th, 2021 at 12:31 AM

    Prednisone

  90. Latest Hairstylery

    October 11th, 2021 at 3:14 AM

    Pretty section of content. I just stumbled upon your site and in accession capital to assert that I acquire in fact enjoyed account your blog posts. Anyway I抣l be subscribing to your augment and even I achievement you access consistently quickly.

  91. Cqobid

    October 11th, 2021 at 10:58 PM

    buy ivermectin cream – ivermectin oral solution ivermectin over the counter canada

  92. Eglixp

    October 13th, 2021 at 1:05 AM

    stromectol xl – stromectol pills canada ivermectin 9 mg

  93. Potxim

    October 14th, 2021 at 3:48 PM

    where to order real viagra – viagra overnight where can you get female viagra

  94. Hairstyles

    October 15th, 2021 at 6:50 PM

    I together with my pals appeared to be reviewing the excellent tips and tricks found on your web page while at once got a horrible feeling I had not expressed respect to the web site owner for those tips. My ladies had been for this reason passionate to read all of them and have in effect simply been enjoying those things. Appreciation for getting indeed thoughtful and then for going for this kind of decent things most people are really eager to be informed on. My personal honest regret for not saying thanks to sooner.

  95. Enrbot

    October 15th, 2021 at 10:28 PM

    pharmacy price comparison viagra – generic viagra cost order viagra online without script

  96. Ipicad

    October 16th, 2021 at 11:56 PM

    canada cialis – cialis price generic cialis for sale

  97. Yayowb

    October 18th, 2021 at 12:06 AM

    buy tadalafil online canada – Cialis next day generic cialis usa

  98. Qfdvpj

    October 19th, 2021 at 2:38 AM

    ivermectin over the counter canada – ivermectin price canada stromectol 12 mg

  99. Kelly Sandvik

    October 19th, 2021 at 10:06 PM

    http://www.robertcunningham.co.za/praesent-porta-tortor-quis-finibus-pharetra-tellus/

  100. Vzsfak

    October 20th, 2021 at 6:58 AM

    buy ivermectin 3 mg for humans – generic stromectol for humans ivermectin 400 mg brands

  101. Xsnskx

    October 21st, 2021 at 3:39 PM

    casino games online – casino games win real money best online casinos that payout

  102. Brandon Kroetz

    October 21st, 2021 at 7:25 PM

    https://homemadewithmess.co.uk/recipe/baked-tenderstem-in-a-creamy-blue-cheese-sauce/comment-page-8/

  103. Fashion Styles

    October 22nd, 2021 at 1:46 AM

    One other issue is when you are in a predicament where you will not have a cosigner then you may want to try to exhaust all of your federal funding options. You’ll find many awards and other scholarships that will ensure that you get funds to help with college expenses. Many thanks for the post.

  104. Thmbgl

    October 23rd, 2021 at 2:37 AM

    write paper online – help writing research paper affordable thesis writing

  105. Hairstyles

    October 23rd, 2021 at 11:51 AM

    Howdy! I know this is kinda off topic but I was wondering if you knew where I could locate a captcha plugin for my comment form? I’m using the same blog platform as yours and I’m having difficulty finding one? Thanks a lot!

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

CWCS Hoodie

most popular

team favorite

Newest

CWCS T-Shirt

CWCS Trucker Cap

$45.00

$25.00

$25.00

Merch

Shop the CWCS

Shop All →

All Contents Copyright 2021 Christians Who Curse Sometimes