Sex is something that is so important in a married relationships, however, the church does not have a lot of resources for couples when it comes to the struggles of sex, or how to prepare for a healthy sex life.

This is why we partner with Dr. Corey Allan of Sexy Marriage Radio, a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist who specializes in sex, regularly working with Christian couples and answering their questions, no matter how personal.

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Question: I can’t believe I’m asking this but does size actually matter when it comes to sex?  As a single guy who feels like he’s definitely below average down there l get so stressed that my future wife will be disappointed in me, and I’ve avoided conversations with past girlfriends but know that’s not the right thing to do either. I’ve read things like “it’s not the size it’s what you do with it” but it’s hard to not feel like I’m going to let my future wife down.

Dr. Corey: I’m curious where the “I’m below average” feeling comes from for you. My guess is you may not have studied architecture … what you would have discovered is when we look at our own penis it is almost always looking down at it from above, and everything looks smaller when looking at it from above.

We humans come in all shapes and sizes – and a penis is no exception. Many male penises vary in sizes while flaccid, but a majority of the very same penises are around the same size when erect (give or take a bit).

Keep this in mind though, the most reliable route for orgasm for a woman must involve the clitoris – which can be stimulated most using your fingers or tongue or toy, and yes a penis, but not during penetrative sex.

Give yourself a break and recognize that yes, size may not matter because it’s what you do with it — but what matters most is who that penis is attached to!! A future wife will be in relationship with all of you not just your penis! Bring all of you to the marriage and you’ll likely be just fine.

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Question: My boyfriend and I have been talking a lot about marriage recently but the closer we get to that the more nervous I am about sex. We’re both virgins but he was addicted to porn for several years before becoming a Christian. I on the other hand don’t even watch sex scenes in movies. I’m really scared about how his experience with porn will affect his expectations/what kind of sex he wants. I know we’re not the only couple who has been in this situation so advice would be very appreciated!!

Dr. Corey: Being nervous about sex is common for almost everyone, especially when it’s an unknown experience for one or both of you. There is no way to discover the pleasure, intensity, sacredness and the depth of sex without experiencing it first-hand. Every couple has to navigate how sex unfolds and happens for each of them and their relationship. So how you do sex is exquisitely and uniquely up to you – and him were he to be so lucky to marry you.

If he has been exposed to porn, it may influence how he is approaching the act itself – but the act of sex in marriage is a process of discovery and learning and teaching all the way through. We all bring to it some idealized or skewed expectations and hopes, but sex is such a wonderful way to learn about yourself, and each other.

Just read through Song of Solomon, you’ll see the idea of drinking wine from your lovers navel, or breasts being referred to as two fawns grazing among the lilies, a man’s genitalia as sweet fruit and bags of myrrh, a woman as a garden of pomegranates that should be eaten, and lips and mouths that are milk and honey … all these are great lines of poetry but they can still be a mystery. It all comes down to the meanings you place on things – and the willingness to grow beyond the simple act of intercourse itself and into an area of tasting the power of intimacy itself – a true knowing and being known with each other.  

This is what makes married sex such a great aspect of the relationship. It’s an endless adventure of discovery and growth, for both of you. Talk with him about your fears and concerns – and talk about your hopes and desires. And while you’re at it, bring along some sweet fruits or pomegranates. 🙂

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Have a question for Dr. Corey? Send it to christianswhocursesometimes@gmail.com with the title “Sex Q&A”