I have always said that physical abuse is easier to take than emotional, verbal or spiritual abuse. Now before you crucify me for that statement, I am a survivor of every kind of abuse, including sexual. The reason for this bold statement comes from the actuality of a bruise to show the mark where the offense happened. 

 As a survivor of all types of abuse, I find that the most difficult wound to convince a person they possess are the “bruises” from spiritual abuse. I have encountered person after person who has questioned the abuse they have suffered at the hands of the church and its leaders. They question because in the “church” we are taught not to question, but to honor. We are taught to be alike, rather than be apart. We are taught to submit, rather than to stand independently. 

One quick disclaimer so you don’t think that I am anti- church:  I personally work at a seminary, so I have great respect for the position of pastor, but not too much to know that they are not human, fallible, and potential abusers, only if they allow themselves to be.

We can discuss spiritual abuse all day, story after story, but where would that get us? Nowhere. Full of bitterness and unforgiveness. No impact on those who hurt us in the first place. 

What we CAN do is allow ourselves to heal from church wounds. Allow ourselves to separate the human from the spirit. Allow ourselves to see church as a system corrupted by human ambition rather than a spiritual pursuit. 

So what can we do to heal from the spiritual abuse we have suffered?

• Separate the place and people. What do I mean by this? We cannot forgive a place, we have to forgive people. Churches cannot wound us, but the people in them can. So often I see people who are hesitant to list the people who hurt them. They feel like it is dishonoring, bad, rude, ungodly. Um no. In order to forgive we have to drag the unforgiveness into the light. So, if you have a church wound, think about the PEOPLE not the place. List them out. Pray over the list until you can truly say you have forgiven them. Now, one more tip about forgiveness, there is a difference between forgiveness and relationship. Just because you forgive someone doesn’t mean that you are required to have a relationship with them. SO much more could be said here, but I will leave it at that for another time.

• Separate the spirit from the spiritual practice. So often we see the church as God rather than seeing God in the church (now there are some churches where it is hard to find God as well, TBH). We have to realize that humanity exists and has corrupted something that was meant to be pure. I have a 5-year-old daughter, when she was younger she LOVED to put her sticky hands all over the window. It’s like that. Church is meant to be a clear plate of glass, people put their sticky humanity all over it and then call it God. Not the original intention. Lean into the practices that draw you closest to God, separate them from the humans within the building.

• Separate your current pain from your future plans. I have seen so many people who say they are never going back to church as a result of the pain they have suffered. We must separate how we feel now from what we are called to into the future. It is essential that we do not allow the wounds we suffer push us out of the perfect will of God. So if you need, take time. Take a season off from church. Take a season off from serving. Allow yourself to lean into your pain but also lean into the promise that is before you in the future. 

Church wounds are real. Spiritual abuse is real. The only way to eradicate this problem in the church is to talk about it, make room for authentic stories, and allow people to be who they were designed to be outside of the confines of our judgement.